


a soulmate who wasn't meant to be

by allforminwon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, bye, don't mind don't mind, inaabuso ko na tags, simplified philosophical ramblings, sorry - Freeform, volleyball pala, wala naman akong ibang sinulat kung di angst
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:21:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allforminwon/pseuds/allforminwon
Summary: the untold story of what happened in spain.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 116





	a soulmate who wasn't meant to be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [purpleblossoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleblossoms/gifts).



> hello, this is a commissioned fic for #FicsForACause a donation drive held for the typhoon that hit the philippines last year. this is also a side ship from my au, this guy's in love with you pare. for this fic, you may opt to skip the au kasi di naman siya need but some context will make the story sadder so it's up to you. 
> 
> the song mentioned on the last part of the fic is huling gabi by moira ft. quest, i highly suggest listening to the song while reading. 
> 
> so ayun, i hope you guys enjoy.

jeonghan loves travelling. 

wait before that, jeonghan loves getting away. 

be it physically or symbolically. you can say he has a fucked up moral compass for someone who studies philosophy. he utilizes his course to know the ins and outs—the nature of human beings, and maybe to sate his curiosity as well. to find the reasoning behind his own kind of thinking. to look for justification and arguments that could help him defend his own stand.

and before anyone tries to ask him how he is able to live with himself with this kind of mentality, he doesn’t like the idea of accountability but doesn’t necessarily shy away from it. he does what he needs to do but he doesn’t needlessly search for things that need serious commitment. example, relationships. he wants things as impermanent as they can be.

which brings us back to his love for travelling. 

travelling for him is the embodiment of impermanence. you go to one place where you get to experience things limited to that place alone. after your time is up, the memories stay with you and the island. like a secret between you and the place. 

jeonghan and his love for impermanence probably stemmed from his dysfunctional family and from the fact that he was the eldest.

on the asian side of things, medyo big deal. mabigat ang responsibility.

masaya naman sila except for the occasional dispute between his parents. jeonghan and his sister stayed with their mom tapos yung dad naman niya nag pakasal na uli sa iba. 

jeonghan doesn’t harbor any ill feelings towards both of his parents. ganun talaga siguro? there are people who can love each other but when the love fades, commitment gets harder. that’s supposedly the essence of being in a relationship, looking for the reasons to stay together when the high of falling in love vanishes. jeonghan learned later on that such an ideal thing can only happen for some. 

alam niya kung gaano kahirap maghanap ng rason na manatili kahit na ayaw mo na. 

despite his understanding now, his high school self did go through the rebellion stage, the anger and resentment because why did the responsibility of being a mature adult fall on him, bakit hindi pwedeng may normal na lang siyang pamilya na hindi sisirain yung pananaw niya sa mundo?

but things happen and among those things, this was one of them. 

decisions have consequences and again this was one of them.

jeonghan just doesn't see the appeal in staying put and prolonging the inevitable because he’s seen firsthand how such a thing ruins a person. 

so yeah, people may say it’s his cowardice that’s making him do such things. that makes him believe in such beliefs pero wala eh eto siya. 

because of this, wala atang relationship si jeonghan na nagtagal. commitment issues resulting from a dysfunctional family? how original, pero ayun na nga yung nangyari. 

hindi naman siya umiiwas sa pagmamahal and relationships, he welcomes what he can. he indulges in the small things that make his heart jump and his stomach do somersaults. pero he eventually noticed how short lived everything was. 

the tingles at the tips of his fingers usually last a few months and then everything fades into a dull gray and that’s when the thoughts start to circulate in his brain.

_ “tama na, wala namang patutunguhan to.” _

_ “you tried pero wala eh, you’re just not the relationship type.” _

after the countless of failed relationships nagsawa na lang din siyang mag-try. hence his single situation among his group of friends.

buti na lang andiyan si wonwoo, kahit na may malupit na crush yun sa best friend niya at least man lang may kasama si jeonghan na single. 

don’t get him wrong, being in a relationship does not define someone at all. it does not complete you because what does it say about a person when relationships are what makes them feel whole, right? iba lang din talaga siguro pag napapaligiran ka ng mga taong masaya and kuntento with another person? the way joshua talks about his boyfriend makes him gag pero it makes him want the same thing. 

he wants someone to hold hands with, to kiss, to hug, to fuck. he misses the feeling but not enough to go look for it, you know?

isa pa he can do the first few things with his friends naman, they don’t mind jeonghan being clingy. it’s the best he can do with his situation. with his thought process.

first year of college, jeonghan learned theories from his philosophy classes. 

the one that resonated the most with him were lessons in his speculative philosophy class. 

predestination and determinism were ideas that fall under the problem of free will. parang nagka epiphany si jeonghan because it was step one into understanding his complicated relationship with responsibility, accountability and anything related to that matter. 

the idea stayed with him. how determinism makes our action a result of a cause that goes all the way back to something that is no longer under our control. how predestination is an idea that the future is fixed and that no matter what we do now it won’t change the end destination of everyone. 

those ideas made it possible for jeonghan to not have accountability at all, or it at least blurs the line. if he is not responsible for his actions, then he is not responsible for the consequences.

he’s not the most religious person but predestination is probably the closest he’ll get to believing in god. 

dahil nakahanap na din siya ng reasoning behind his outlook on life he eventually settled with what he currently have. 

he’s got a good set of friends. his grades are good. his family, even though separate, are in favorable situations as well. 

wala naman na siyang mahahanap pa sa ngayon. 

until spain happened. 

until the damn conference forced him to spend more time with wonwoo. 

until his own beliefs betrayed him by making him fall in love with someone he can’t ever have.

going back, jeonghan loves travelling. he loves creating and then leaving memories behind. he loves discovering new things but never taking it with him.

so when he was offered a chance to travel abroad, who was he to say no? 

the idea of going in a foreign country, experiencing new things, momentarily blinded him but his own reality soon caught up with him. 

_ si wonwoo yung kasama niya. _

hindi niya kailangan ng more exposure kasama si wonwoo mag-isa with the feelings that’s bubbling up inside him pero in the end he’s helpless against his own desires. he’s helpless against the nature of human beings and their endless acquisition of their own desires. in the end tao lang din si jeonghan. 

and he desires someone that he can’t have. 

spain presents an opportunity to indulge in that desire. spain can be jeonghan’s makeshift world wherein the idea of being together with wonwoo can be his reality.

it sounds stupid. 

it  _ is _ stupid. 

ang tanga na iniisip niya ‘to ngayon while he’s staring at the vast expanse of the sea in front of him. ang tanga na iniisip niya ‘to when he can’t even muster up the courage to tell the man sitting beside him that jeonghan would dissolve the existing fear living inside himself just to hold him once. 

just to show him how the world should treat someone like wonwoo. 

it’s a huge jump from the jeonghan he was before his feelings for wonwoo surfaced. ang gago na isang tao lang pala yung katapat niya for him to question everything he’s believed in, everything he’s worked hard to justify. 

isang “hi kuya” lang and suddenly jeonghan is reconsidering his stance on love. his belief on determinism and predestination, and his fear of commitment. 

nakakatawa na yung years of hard work niya is nothing in the face of love that you truly believe to be worth it. is this it? ito lang ba yung magpapalaya sa kanya from his fears that formed because of a failed love he’s seen so many times?

at kung ito man yun, anong kagaguhan naman na ipapahiram pa sa kanya yung taong hindi naman niya pwedeng angkinin? 

bakit hiram lang? 

is this a result of him shunning love? is this a punishment? 

jeonghan stared up at the sky. he emptied his mind and focused on the stars blinking back at him. he focused on the distant warmth of the person he loves sitting beside him. he focused on the roaring waves as it dissipated upon reaching the shore. he focused on the cicadas accompanying them on this dark night. he focused on the ring of light that radiated from the moon. 

he focused on everything but the pain that started to accompany his thoughts of wonwoo. 

it’s funny. the progression of his feelings that emerged from thinking too much about wonwoo. 

at first his thoughts were accompanied by concern. concern for a friend who gets hurt too much. who is a slave to pain because of feelings he can’t help but harbor for his best friend. 

then concern progressed to fondness. fondness for the guy he eventually became stuck with. some will say that the feelings awakened because of the close proximity. and maybe tama sila sa part na yun. maybe jeonghan eventually got used to taking care of wonwoo in ways he didn’t use to before. 

nung una akala niya it’s just the kuya inside him that’s acting up. baka namimiss niya lang yung feeling na may binabantayan or inaalagaan kasi ayaw na magpaalaga ng kapatid niya. wonwoo on the other hand doesn’t shy away from jeonghan’s affections. 

maybe he should have known back then that it’ll be his downfall. 

fondness progressed into longing. 

it was a blurry line and when jeonghan crossed it. he didn’t even notice he was already threading past what was allowed. his concern, fondness, and longing all felt like one block of confusing emotion that was hidden under the umbrella of being wonwoo’s friend. 

_ “ginagawa ko ‘to kasi kaibigan ko siya.” _

was the mantra that he repeated inside his head. akala niya concerned lang siya kasi kaibigan siya. akala niya fond lang siya kasi ngayon niya lang nakasama ng ganito si wonwoo. akala niya he longs for someone like wonwoo because he loves unconditionally. 

and jeonghan wants that for himself. 

it was only until they reached spain that he realized he’s not feeling all of that because he wants someone like wonwoo. 

he wants wonwoo. 

he wouldn’t want the same thing if it’s another person he’s seeing that way.

and god did that shatter jeonghan’s world. 

bakit naman sa lahat ng tao dun pa sa alam niyang nakareserba na para sa iba. dun sa taong tinutulungan niyang buohin ang sarili para pag nagkita sila ng mahal niya, they’ll be in a better place and will have a more secure future. 

bakit ganito siya paglaruan ng mundo? 

let’s make the coward fall in love with the brave. 

let’s make jeonghan, the coward who shunned love after a traumatizing encounter with it, fall for wonwoo, the guy who unconditionally loves someone else despite all the hurt he’s been through. 

he will admit that upon realizing, he wanted to run. he wanted to bolt and forget that these feelings exist pero in the end hindi niya rin nagawa. 

kasi he started looking forward to the smiles wonwoo would throw his way. he looked forward to studying with him and trying to make him laugh. jeonghan started craving attention, he wanted it all to himself and he’s got it right now. 

walang mingyu na physically present and even though he knows deep down mingyu is still very much present in wonwoo’s mind, at least siya yung kasama ngayon.

jeonghan is a slave to his own desires and that’s what rooted him to his place—here beside wonwoo. 

he felt a light touch on his shoulder. 

“deep thoughts?” a familiar voice shattered his long train of thought. he turned his head to look at a hand that was resting above his shoulder. he smiled and looked up to see the warm brown eyes staring back at him. 

wonwoo looked soft and small in his large navy blue cardigan despite his bigger build. 

“yeah. just what ifs, my love.” maikling sagot niya as he looked away yet again. if he stared any longer the desire to hold the younger’s hand will grow inside him. 

_ my love. _

if only wonwoo knew how much jeonghan meant that.

the wind blew past his face, caressing his hair backwards. he heard a rustle beside him before he felt wonwoo sitting closer. jeonghan’s heartbeat spiked up but he was careful not to let his expectations get the best of him. baka nilalamig lang ‘to. 

“tungkol saan? if okay lang magtanong?” 

that’s such a wonwoo thing to say.  _ if okay lang _ . he always prioritizes other people before his own self. maybe that’s another factor of why jeonghan found it easier to love wonwoo than most people. 

in the years he studied philosophy he’s come to know that a human being’s desire plays a significant role in building one’s personality and morality. one could look at his desires as the most important goal he needs to achieve therefore centering his whole life to attaining said desire.

most people are like that. a good example of desire would be money. most people grow up with the idea that money is something to be had—that to hold a huge amount means an easier life will be waiting for you. in a capitalistic world, such a thing is indeed true. 

most people fall under the type of human beings whose life revolves around their desires. be it love, fame, money, or happiness.

even jeonghan won’t deny the fact that his own desires control him. 

the one person who jeonghan deemed different from the rest of the world was wonwoo. wonwoo whose desires are not for himself but for other people. 

wonwoo who puts other people’s feelings first. 

yeah, jeonghan loves that wonwoo. 

“i’m thinking about desires and selflessness.” sabi niya as his head turned sideways to glance at wonwoo. the younger looked deep in thought after he said that. 

hays, him and his big brain. 

“context?” the younger asked as he continued staring at the sea, as if the large body of water could give him the answer he needed.

he looks beautiful like this. no, lagi naman siyang makapigil hininga tignan but if jeonghan had to choose a favorite wonwoo, it’ll be the philosophizing wonwoo.

for someone who stuggled a lot back when he was starting this course, wonwoo grew up to be the smartest of them all. maybe because mas in touch siya with his emotions and his thoughts. he can write and verbalize them really well. 

jeonghan can only hope he comes close to wonwoo’s level.

“i’m thinking about how desires are the fuel to every human being and we can’t help but eventually prioritize them over other people’s desires. take a person for example, what if i desire this person but another close friend of mine desires the same person. in a world where human beings prioritize their desires over other people, how should one resolve such a problem?”

“be honest, is this a test? nirereview mo ba ako?” wonwoo was smiling pero the glint in his eyes told jeonghan that he’s already done thinking about his answer.” 

he smiled and looked away. 

“no, i’m genuinely curious.”

wonwoo was silent for a few seconds before he hummed to break his silence. 

“well first of all, what made you think that human beings prioritize their desires over other people’s?” 

“uhm, reality? the things i see every day? you can’t deny that it happens most of the time.” he argued.

wonwoo smiled before nodding. “yeah, most of the time. pero not all the time.” 

jeonghan was about to speak out about his thoughts when wonwoo continued,

“pero i get it. we have different views of the world. kaya nga may different theories din about that. i just believe that there’s a way around that. remember peter singer? he wrote about selfishness and universalizability.”

“yeah of course, final paper natin yun sa practical ethics.” napabuntong hininga siya upon remembering how badly he put his thoughts together back then. 

“yeah, diba he wrote that in every ethical decision we should think about not only our interests but the interests of other people as well? our judgement should be universalisable.”

“please don’t take me back to PHLO 173.” jeonghan whined. wonwoo only laughed at him before proceeding.

“in the last chapter of his book he somehow found a way wherein selfishness and universalisabilty can coincide. granted it was to answer the question,  _ why should we act moral? _ pero if you put everything together. he argued that if people think it is in their interest to act moral, eventually people will act moral without any motive. granted this explanation is simplified pero alam mo na yun. among those moral acts are the answer to the question you’re asking.” 

natapos si wonwoo magsalita and jeonghan was left speechless kasi feeling niya on the spot siyang ginawan ni wonwoo ng paper about his question. 

god he never ceases to amaze jeonghan. 

just when he thought wonwoo already finished may dinagdag pa ito, 

“it all depends on the context now. sino ang nauna? yung taong bang kinagugustuhan may gusto na sa isa sakanila? o sa iba?” wonwoo then looked at him, curiosity written on his face.

and that’s the thing isn’t it. once jeonghan puts a context behind it, alam na nila both what is the moral thing to do.

may nauna naman talaga. may gusto naman si wonwoo kay mingyu. 

spectator lang dapat si jeonghan pero he ended up being part of the equation. 

“si guy number 1 yung naunang magkagusto dun sa lalaki. si guy number 2 yung nahuli. gusto nung lalaki si guy number 1.” jeonghan robotically answered, like he’s reading a script from a movie that’s already finished.

“then it’s obvious isn’t it? guy number 2 should do the moral thing. despite the selfishness that’s rooted inside him, if we believe peter singer then we can conclude that this guy will choose to back off and let the two be happy kasi it’s also in his interest to act morally.” 

jeonghan can’t help but laugh at his situation. sa katangahan niya, parang indirectly pa tuloy siyang sinabihan ni wonwoo na lumayo na siya at wag ng guluhin yung dalawa. 

but god does the selfishness want to win today. 

“wonwoo.” he uttered. the younger was shocked at the mention of his name kasi ever since jeonghan has always been calling him  _ my love  _ or  _ won. _ never wonwoo. 

“kuya?” patanong na sagot nito. 

“what if i tell you na ikaw yung lalaki that the two other guys like?” jeonghan can’t hear the words over the sound of his own heartbeat drumming in his ear. hindi niya marinig but he knows he said the words. he knows he’s on the verge of ruining his friendship with wonwoo. 

“uhm, what?” natatawang sagot nito. 

jeonghan is doing something stupid. his brain is literally screaming at him to shut up before he makes things worse but god it’s his last day here. 

last day niya na to create a memory that he’ll eventually forget when he returns home to the philippines and wonwoo stays here in spain. 

it’s his last day to  _ try _ .

“mingyu is guy number 1.” he recites, like he’s reading a page from one of his materials. kabisado niya na, alam niya ano yung hantungan pero he’s still hoping that somehow the ending changes even for just one minute. 

one minute for him and his own desires. 

“who is guy number 2?” speaking generates a sound, it is usually loud and can be heard above the noises that coexist especially when the voice is nearer in proximity. but when wonwoo spoke, his voice was deafening but silent. 

resigned. 

“i am.” there it was. out in the open.

jeonghan is rarely brave. jeonghan basks in the comfort of the safezone—only doing what needs to be done. never too greedy but never slacking. just enough. 

this is probably the only time he jumped head on the water, all caution thrown away to fly with the wind that was going opposite of his direction. 

thirty seconds had passed without wonwoo saying anything. 1 minute. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 

“kuya.” it’s just one word but it managed to spike his heart rate into what the professionals would consider alarming. it’s just one word but it was packed with underlying meaning. 

the most prominent one being pity. 

“kuya han, alam mo naman—” 

may idea na siya kung ano yung kasunod kaya naman siya na yung nagtapos. 

“na may mingyu. oo, alam ko.” he didn’t dare look at wonwoo’s way. ayaw niyang ibaling ang tingin sa direksyon nito because he doesn’t want to face wonwoo’s sorry. 

the inevitable rejection. 

because it wasn’t said to be reciprocated. jeonghan only wanted to let him know that there’s someone like him who likes wonwoo as well. 

it’s to inform and not to persuade. 

“don’t say anything else. i just wanted to let you know. i wanted to say it out in the open. i wanted to finally acknowledge it.” he smiled, genuinely this time, and played with the sand that’s constantly slipping on his grip.

parang si wonwoo lang din. he’s able to hold him but never for long. 

“can i tell you a story?” tanong niya when the silence got too loud for him. wonwoo hummed in reply kaya he stood up and walked nearer the shore. not too far from wonwoo but not too near. always the right distance, the one he always maintained but failed to do so these past few days for some reason.

“i like the idea of determinism. it gives me validation for not wanting accountability in the decisions i make. i had a lot of questions i wanted an answer to so nag philo ako, and then i stumbled upon that. when you think about it, determinism is just cowardice, diba? i’m a big coward, my love. i can’t keep relationships, i don’t like commitments. i love travelling and leaving memories behind. i love impermanence.” jeonghan’s eyes were fixed on the sea but he felt the slight dip of the sand beside him signalling that wonwoo was near.

“this is probably the bravest i’ve been and no matter what, the end the goal was to let you know and not to ask for an answer. let your heart rest easy.” 

the silence that followed was the greatest thing jeonghan could have asked for. 

minutes ticked by and his attention shifted on the clear water around his feet. he found a shell on the sea bed so he picked it up. 

under the gleam of the moonlight it was ethereal with its unique design and faint glow. nakakatawa kasi lately it seems like everything reminds him of wonwoo. 

or maybe it’s just jeonghan’s love for symbols and associating them with everything in his life. 

because this shell, the one that stood out among the pile of sand he found dull, is just like wonwoo who stood out in the sea of people that swarmed his life. 

so it was only fitting to give the beautiful piece of the sea to him. 

“it’s beautiful.” sabi ni wonwoo sa tabi niya. he had a small smile on his face as he inspected the shell. 

jeonghan whose eyes never really strayed away from wonwoo’s features muttered his agreement. 

“yeah, it is.” 

—

“so hindi ka talaga uuwi.” sabi niya habang hawak hawak ang backpack niya. wonwoo only shook his head. jeonghan sighed and upon hearing it wonwoo finally let out a small smile. 

“sorry di ko sinabi agad. other than helping me take my mind off that, i want to try new things.” napatigil sila sa paglalakad nang makarating sa entrance ng hotel na pinag stay-an nila. 

“new things. yeah that will be good for you, my love.” sabi niya absentmindedly letting the nickname slip without any hidden intent behind it. 

nakita niya pa din na natigilan si wonwoo though.

“does it make you uncomfortable?” tanong niya. 

napatingin si wonwoo sa kanya, the question written all over his face. 

“the nickname, does it make you feel uncomfortable? i can stop it.” he doesn’t want to pero naiintindihan niya naman why wonwoo would suddenly feel different about it. hindi na lang siya basta endearment ni jeonghan para sa mga kaibigan niya. 

not when he actually means it when he calls wonwoo “my love”.

“no, it’s okay.” sabi ni wonwoo. jeonghan watched the people walk past them. they were sitting on the benches that was built outside the hotel— jeonghan wanted to slow the time down and wonwoo— 

hindi niya alam why wonwoo’s still here but he’s still here with jeonghan so he’s hoping that they’re somehow on the same page.

“sure ka ah? i don’t want my confession to change anything. please tell me if i’m overstepping.” jeonghan wants nothing more than to be the first person wonwoo runs to just like how he used to before, pero if the confession changed anything about that, it’s not entirely fine but it is completely understandable. 

hindi na sumagot si wonwoo so jeonghan took that as his answer. and no, silence doesn’t mean yes. 

sometimes silence is just silence. 

jeonghan heard the alarm ring from his phone signalling that he should leave by now if he doesn’t want to get caught in the traffic. 

“i think it’s my time to go.” nakangiti siyang tumayo at saka inoffer ang kamay kay wonwoo. he expected the younger to let go of his hand as soon as makatayo siya but to his surprise wonwoo remained holding his hand.

“uh won?” tanong niya.

the feeling is different from all the other times they had to hold hands. dati they were doing it out of convenience. kasi kailangan ni jeonghan ng tulong tumayo. kasi kailangan ni wonwoo ng alalay. 

or they were doing it out of comfort. tuwing umiiyak si wonwoo tungkol kay mingyu. kasi first time ni jeonghan magkwento about his family situation. 

pero ngayon, with each of their fingers laced together. wonwoo slowly pulled him to a walk, putting distance between them and the sea of people trying to make it outside the hotel. 

“kuya they’re offering a temporary spot here.” sabi ni wonwoo while playing with the knuckles of jeonghan’s fingers. it’s always been a hobby of wonwoo to play with his fingers when he’s nervous. pero this time, with his hand occupied, kay jeonghan niya na lang ginagawa. 

and god did it make the butterflies in his stomach roar. 

“uh…” he answered  _ intelligently. _ four years in college and all he could say was that.

“i can ask them for you.” wonwoo looks small, like he’s asking for a big thing. 

and it kind of is. wonwoo is basically asking him to stay. or well go back and spend a few months with him.

hindi alam ni jeonghan kung alin yung mas nangunguna, yung sakit ba or yung saya. 

“my love…” sabi niya and wonwoo tightened his grip. jeonghan smiled, even though it was literally taking every bit of his being to do so, and let go of wonwoo’s hands. 

he put his backpack down and pulled the younger in for a hug. 

“you don’t have to do this. i don’t need your guilt. i don’t need you to do anything about this. i am still your kuya han and i will remain that way for the rest of our lives. do me a favor and act normal okay?” jeonghan may have teared up but he was proud of how steady his voice was. 

he felt wonwoo relax in his hold as he returned the hug. 

“i admit that the guilt is there pero i do want to spend it with you din. so just in case you want to spend a few months running away with me. text me okay?” bulong ni wonwoo sa kanya. he felt the faintest hint of a kiss on top of his hair before the younger pulled away. 

jeonghan was quick to shield his face from wonwoo by walking forwards and not turning back. a few steps in, tumigil din siya. 

“pag-iisipan ko.” sabi niya at saka naglakad papunta sa van na maghahatid sa kanya papuntang airport. 

jeonghan barely made it to his seat when his legs finally gave up on him as well as his tears. there was nothing sad about their goodbye. jeonghan in his true form didn’t even say goodbye to wonwoo kasi he had a feeling that it’s not goodbye just yet. 

everything about that exchange was hopeful. the way wonwoo left him with the choice of returning and spending time with him. dapat nagdidiwang siya ngayon pero all he can feel is the tiny pricks on his heart kasi alam niyang papayag siya. 

he knows he will spend those few months with wonwoo. he knows they will probably live together or near each other. he knows they will spend that time getting to know more about the other. he knows he will fall deeper in love. 

but wonwoo will always be unattainable. the younger could try all he wants, pero he will always be tied to mingyu. 

and that’s what makes his heart hurt. 

during the time they will spend together, jeonghan will only fall deeper while wonwoo;s heart won’t even falter. 

and when all of it ends, jeonghan’s own habits of leaving the memories behind will bite him in the ass because all he wants is to keep the memories with him but doing so is like stabbing yourself in the heart everyday. 

so yeah, it is painful as much as it is hopeful. 

in the end he still found himself texting wonwoo to meet him at sagradia familia real soon. 

in the end, jeonghan is a selfish guy who would make the most out of those months with wonwoo. 

—

jeonghan was snapped out of his daydream by a familiar click of a camera. napalingon siya sa kung saan nanggaling yung tunog and he wasn’t surprised to see wonwoo with a silly grin on his face. 

“magpaalam ka naman. gwapong gwapo ka sakin eh.” sabi niya dito. wonwoo only rolled his eyes at him at saka chineck na lang yung outcome nung picture. he didn’t event realize he was stuck thinking about six months ago, when wonwoo first proposed the idea to him. 

and look at where they are now.

“patingin nga. gabing gabi nagpipicture ka gamit yung polaroid cam mo.” natatawang sabi niya habang kinakalaban yung sand sa paa niya. when he reached wonwoo, the younger quickly offered his hand and jeonghan, with his heart aching, took it as they both stared at the picture. 

this hand holding thing is something he’s starting to get used to. mahihirapan siyang kalimutan ‘to.

to his surprise he was smiling even though he looked deep in his thoughts. napatingin siya kay wonwoo na ngayon ay focused sa polaroid picture ni jeonghan. the younger was smiling and god, gustong itago ni jeonghan yung moment na ‘to. gusto niyang ibulsa para madaling balik-balikan.

yung simoy ng hangin. yung hawak ni wonwoo sa kamay niya. yung ngiti ni wonwoo. yung naghahalong saya at lungkot na nararamdaman niya.

the past few months were like a fever dream. 

morning and evening walks on the shore. holding the warmest hands he got to hold. coffee and book dates. 

wonwoo managed to make him feel whole during those few months. managed to slowly pull the fear out of his heart, replacing it with something entirely new. the fear of not being able to move past this.

unsurprisingly, in just a few months jeonghan couldn’t help but fall deeper. 

hindi niya alam kung saan siya mag-uumpisa pero alam niya kung saan magtatapos. 

dito sa beach na ‘to. ngayong gabi dahil tulad ng gabing inalala niya kanina, ito na ang huling gabi ni jeonghan sa spain.

naasikaso niya na yung short contract niya with the research team. kahapon lang they went out to dinner to celebrate the months jeonghan spent with them. there were no tears shed kasi sinigurado ni jeonghan na all he leaves them are good memories. 

all he leaves wonwoo are good memories of the temporary happiness they spent together.

alam naman ni jeonghan simula umpisa na hindi magandang idea ‘to. nabasa niya sa isang daang libro na meron siya. sa mga pelikula na patok. sa mga kwento ng ibang tao. he knew before that his fear of falling madly in love with someone was justifiable.

this was only one of the reasons why he used to run away from things like these.

masasaktan lang siya sa dulo but then again, masasaktan lang din naman siya buong buhay niya dahil ito yung pinili niya. 

si wonwoo yung pinili niyang mahalin. 

might as well make the pain worth it. 

it’s a big change from the jeonghan who first stepped foot into this country. the jeonghan with the unsure feelings. the jeonghan with the deeply rooted fears. the jeonghan who never knew how fulfilling it is to be loved, even if not in the same way, by someone you love.

nilingon siya ni wonwoo, still smiling, and honest to god jeonghan felt his heart swell. 

sakto naman, gaya ng isang pelikula, biglang tumugtog ang isang kantang pamilyar ang linggwahe pero hindi ang mga nota. napalingon si jeonghan sa kung saan ito galing at nakita niyang nagmula ito dun sa bukod tanging filipino restuarant na nakatayo malapit sa beach. 

mabilis siyang napalingon pabalik kay wonwoo nang ilipat nito ang parehong braso ni jeonghan sa bandang leeg niya samantalang ang kamay nito ay nasa bewang niya.

“my love?” he must have looked so confused because wonwoo let out a small laugh. the song became louder as wonwoo’s smile got wider.

“kuya, sayaw tayo?” sabi nito. 

gusto niyang umiyak. gusto niyang sigawan si wonwoo na tama na. hindi niya naman kailangan pilitin yung sarili niya na gustuhin si jeonghan. hindi niya kailangan gawin lahat ng ‘to para lang maging masaya si jeonghan dahil hindi sa mga ganitong bagay umiikot yung kasiyahan niya. 

jeonghan finally learned how wonwoo managed to stay by mingyu’s side this whole time. when your happiness is tied to the happiness of the one you love, pain becomes duller.

the one time he actually tried talking to wonwoo about it nagalit lang sa kanya yung nakababata. 

_ “i’m not forcing myself to love you. because i actually do kuya.” at kahit gusto man lumundag ng puso ni jeonghan sa mga salitang ito. hindi niya magawa. _

_ he knows that a line exists. _

_ “just not in the same way i love you, right?” sagot niya.  _

_ the distance between them seems larger. wonwoo didn’t say anything else to him for the rest of the night. pero sa susunod na araw nag-sorry din siya agad at sinabi na hindi naman daw niya pinipilit yung sarili niya. he’s actually open to trying.  _

and that’s that. jeonghan left it at that. hinayaan niya na. he literally threw all the doubt away and enjoyed the little moments given to him. 

wala na siyang magagawa because moments like these are rare and they’re slowly reaching their extinction. 

sakto naman, the lyrics of the song then blasted from the speakers. 

_ kung ito na nga _

_ ang ating huling gabi _

_ mga natitirang sandali _

_ di na ikukubli _

“okay. dance with me.” he whispered, head hung low kasi nararamdaman niya nanaman yung luha niya. jeonghan rarely cries. kay shua lang ata siya umiyak and he’d like to keep it that way. the one thing he’s trying to avoid is to burden wonwoo with his pain. 

jeonghan chose everything that’s happening to him. for the first time in his life, this is him taking responsibility for the consequences it will do to him. 

hindi problema ni wonwoo ‘to, it’s his and his alone. 

_ lahat lahat sayo'y ibibigay _

_ huling beses magsasabay _

_ sa himig na pag-ibig ang taglay _

_ bago mawalan ng saysay _

kung nakaramdam man si wonwoo, hindi niya ito pinansin and instead pulled jeonghan in for a hug. a tight one. one that’s trying to drown jeonghan’s sorrows away. 

and it’s working. 

_ hawakan ang aking kamay _

_ higpitan ang kapit _

wonwoo grabbed one of his hands and helt it tight. doing what the song was trying to tell him. the warmth wonwoo exuded made his tears fall. hindi niya na napigilan at wala na siyang balak pigilan because these tears are not of pain. 

_ pwede ka pang lumapit _

these are tears of happiness, of gratitude. 

for the chance given to him. for the few months he got to spend with the love of his life. 

these tears are for the memories that keep on running through his mind at the moment. the memories he will inevitably leave on this island because that’s his thing. 

_ kalimutan natin bukas na sasapit _

pero just for tonight. jeonghan wants to live through all of them again. one last hurrah before he finally walks away.

_ dito na lang ako _

“kuya.”

_ dito na lang tayo. _

“hm?’

_ walang manggugulo _

“i’m sorry.”

_ na parang atin ang mundo _

“don’t.”

_ sa sandaling tila habambuhay _

“okay. thank you na lang. thank you for being the best person. thank you for staying with me. thank you for letting me try. thank you for loving me. thank you for making me feel loved.” wonwoo pulled him closer, as if it’s even possible with the lack of distance between them. hindi tuloy napagilan ni jeonghan yung hikbi niya. 

fuck.

_ bawat saglit magiging patunay  _

“you’re very much welcome my love.” ‘ _ thank you for the memories’ _ was left unspoken.

_ ito ay tinakda, langit ang may akda _

“i have a question.” wonwoo said as he kept on rubbing jeonghan’s back. probaly his way of comforting jeonghan without acknowledging the older’s tears. tangina wonwoo and his consideration.

_ ayokong kumawala sayo _

“hm?” ang tanging nasagot niya.

_ huling sayaw na natin ‘to. _

“is love still worth it? after everything?” 

and that’s the thing jeonghan realized after the months he spent with wonwoo. love and worth are not directly related. you can never put worth in love.

love is just love. 

worthy or not.

it may have caused jeonghan great pain, it may have been all for nothing. but it’s love. the world can tell him that it’s not worth it to risk so much for just a sliver of moment with wonwoo but jeonghan will always turn a blind eye and will still walk the uncharted waters. 

“it is.” he smiled even through his tears. 

_ huling halik sayong noo _

at katulad ng mga katagang narinig nila, jeonghan felt wonwoo’s lips on his temple as the younger swayed the two of them. 

bukas, aalis na si jeonghan. 

bukas, uumpisahan niyang kalimutan lahat ng ito. 

bukas, susubukan niyang ibaon ang nararamdaman para kay wonwoo. 

_ huling pagdidikit ng puso _

pero ngayon gabi, sa ilalim ng buwan at sa harap ng mga taong hindi nila kilala, lulubusin ni jeonghan ang natitirang oras na magkasama sila.

sa huling gabi niya, alipin muna siya ng pagmamahal.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated, i'm @minwonst see u sa twitter bardagulan :-)


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